Happy Pride! Now Here Are The Top Five Sign You’re Dating a Gay Cannibal

by Amos Fake | 10:01AM June 8th 2012

Dating is an uncertain experience for any young queen making her way in the world, fraught with uncertainties likely to knot even the most confident powerbottom’s panties: Will this guy and I be sexually compatible? Are our professional plans complimentary? And perhaps most pressingly, after this week in horrifying gay news: Will he slice my limbs from my trunk with powertools and consume my flesh in front of a live webcam? For those adrift on the darkly roiling waters of modern gay romance, Outrage presents the Top Five Signs You’re Dating a Gay Cannibal:

1.) His grocery errands involve going to the gym, but never to Whole Foods. Those free-range ground patties he cooked you your second night at his place were “grass fed” only because he overheard a lone, defenseless locker-room yuppy talking about wheat smoothies on his cell phone. At least you can be sure they’re between 3-6% animal fat.

2.) No matter how early you schedule weekend brunch, he’s already eaten. Two kind of queens turn down brunch on a full stomach: diabetics whose trick bag is full of donettes, and the twisted sexual predators who go all praying mantis after round two. Check for insulin needle tracks to make sure you know which you’re dealing with.

3.) He blames his exes for his weight gain, and you can’t imagine how literally. A few pounds brought on by romantic complacency or post-breakup melancholy aren’t unheard of, but if he’s tearfully addressing his love handles with a proper name, you should ask questions.

4.) Your friends’ mortality rate decreases conspicuously around swimsuit season. Many a queen knows what it’s like to forego the odd muffin, smoothie, or small vegetable item in the summer months to make room for  more booze squeeze back into that smart little Andrew Christian number. The gay cannibal’s seasonal eating disorder has the added benefit of keeping your social circle alive and intact, and your pregames well-attended.

5.) His freezer is full of Ben and Jerry. Gurl we love this joke.